Bullies. What Are They Good For?

The truth is, bullies are actually good for something. They teach us about ourselves and about the people around us. And while bullies are secretly cowards, they usually exist because they've got nothing else going on in their lives and that makes them miserable human beings. So, they consume their being with making other people just as miserable, if not more. Workplace bullies often times define themselves by their jobs – It's their life.

In the old Little Rascals movies there was a bully named Butch who always had his little toadies hanging around. That's exactly the way my old company operated. The owner of the company was a big bully who surrounded herself with little toadies, ready to do her dirty work.

One of the many bullies I worked with was a project manager who managed two people but you'd think she ran the whole damn company. Her nicknames throughout the department ran from "Monster" to "Dementor". One co-worker of mine, nicknamed her "Lord Humongous" (all you Mad Max fans know this guy), and even tacked a picture of the villain on his wall next to his computer. What woman wants these names applied to her? I'll be nicer here and call her Betty.

Do you work with a Lord Humongous?

When Betty walked passed my office, it was like a scene from Jurassic Park – The water in my cup would actually ripple. True story! She wasn't overweight, she was just on a mission all day, everyday. She had so many complaints about her to Human Resources, I later found out she was put on probation for most of her employment.

But that was all just a formality, because the owner of the company loved Betty. She was like her little enforcer – her head toady. Betty marched around the office looking for ways to get people in trouble. One day, she put her sites on me, quite possibly because she was running out of victims, as people were actually quitting because of her.

This was the beginning of four years of hell for me. At the meaty hands of Betty, I was harassed, badgered, belittled, and lied about. I went through my chain of command but no one could do a thing because she was the owner's "golden child." Even HR didn't want to deal with it. They filed my complaint with the dozens of other Betty-complaints, never to see the light of day. So, I was on my own.

However, the theory that all bullies are cowards and would rather run than defend themselves holds true. And I proved it.

At the height of the bullying here's what I was going through – By the time I opened my computer in the morning I would have 16 emails from her. She emailed me every minute for 8 hours. Sometimes her first five emails would be dismissed by her last five emails. It got to the point where I made a separate folder for her emails, many remaining unopened until the day I left the company.

If I made a mistake, she would copy everyone from here to China (literally). She lied constantly to drive divisions between my co-workers and me (we all knew her tricks, so no one ever fell for them). I wasn't the only one she did this to, but I felt like I was because no one wanted or could do anything about it.

The thing with bullies is that if you let them, they can affect your health. I started dreading Mondays on Friday. By Tuesday, I would start getting stomachaches. By Wednesday, my head would start to pound. By Thursday, I'd have a full-blown migraine and by Friday I'd be barfing in my office trash can and looking for a dark place to lie down. This was my weekly experience. Hey guess what? Stress can make you sick.

After four years of this, I was exhausted, beat up and ready to break. One day some papers came across my desk and I saw something that made me snap. Betty started to cross out my signature on paperwork I had signed off on. I asked her why she was doing it and told her not to do it anymore.

But she continued and on one particular day, I totally (and uncharacteristically) blew my top. I stormed into her office, put my finger in her face and let go of four years of internalized anger. I told her she was a fucking liar, a bully, that people were quitting because of her and basically everything else everyone was thinking. I did this in front of her two subordinates, which was great because they went around and told everyone in the company.

The funny thing is, Betty never said a word to me while I was telling her off. She stood there with a big scared face (mind you, I'm about 5-foot-2 to her 20-foot Jurassic stature). She stood there like a big dumb bully, frozen in her mediocrity.

I went back to my office and figured my time there was through. Weirdly enough, I was the most calm I had been in four years. I was convinced I was going to get fired, so I started packing up my stuff. To my surprise, I got no disciplinary action. Oh sure, my supervisor gave me a "What were you thinking?" and a chuckle. The HR manager actually asked me if I wanted the day off to "cool down." But I was cool. I stood up to Lord Humongous and won.

Amazingly, she never said a word to me after that. I was suddenly capable to do my job without her. And within a few weeks, she was transferred to another building (she told everyone it was a promotion). I never saw her again, but I heard she took her bully show with her. The complaints built up there and people who worked with her started to quit. About three years after that, she finally got fired. What a travesty. We lost so many good people because of a big bully.

Why after so many years was Betty allowed to treat people with so much hatred, anger and hostility? Betty created a hostile environment. She harassed and belittled. But she was also a coward underneath it all. She had little self-confidence and mistreating people made her feel good about herself, plain and simple.

Looking back, I handled her the only way I knew how at the time, which was to internalize it until stress and anxiety overran me to the point where I just didn't care anymore. The lesson I learned was that not caring is sometimes really good. In perspective, all this work we're doing really doesn't matter. We do it because we have to make a living, but it doesn't define who we are. And when we're gone, there will be someone else to take our place.

Betty, like a lot of workplace bullies, was disillusioned. She believed she was doing the right thing. But the truth is, she had no investment in the company. She wasn't part of the owner's family. She was expendable, obviously. It's really an eye-opener when you step back and look at a bully. Their lives are usually very sad.

Today I know that situation will never happen to me again because I've changed my thoughts about myself and my job. I would walk out of my job in a half a minute if I were treated like that today. Plus, I'm getting older and when you're old your tolerance for such things diminishes. Health and happiness is all that matters in life. It's not worth the stress and it's definitely not worth getting sick over.

If you're dealing with a bully today, stand up to them, even if it's not your nature. You'll be surprised at the result. But if you do, don't do it half-ass. Do it full-force because a bully can tell the difference. Its full-force or nothing.

And if you see yourself as a Betty, with co-workers tagging you "Lord Humungous," do us all a favor and get a hobby. Take up painting or racquetball. Live your life goddamn it and leave people alone!

Discovering The Power of Now

(Authors note: I am in no way connected with The Power of Now or Eckhart Tolle. I do not profit or gain anything by mentioning his book. My thoughts are my own).

When you get old you say things like "this book changed my life." Well, this book changed my life – The Power of Now by EckhartTolle. I can't even remember when or why I picked the book up, but it was so influential in bringing me out of the bottom of a barrel at a time in my life when I felt I had hit rock bottom.

I would listen to the audio version on my 3-hour commute every day and had it on my iPod, listening to it whenever possible. I know that all books are not for everyone and certain books hit you at different times in your life and in different ways. But I have to mention Power of Now because the things I learned from it helped me cope in a hostile work environment and those lessons still affect my life today.

Sometimes, especially when working around negative people, it's easy to get sucked up into the negativity – even if that's not your nature. For a time that happened to me, until I discovered The Power of Now.

Ever have a heated conversation with someone and for hours (and sometimes days) after you're still rehashing it over and over in your head? Maybe you're re-living the exchange or maybe you're changing it up adding things you should have said. Maybe it's a conversation that never happened, living only in your imagination.

Either way, it's consuming you for nothing. In fact, the person you were having the conversation with has probably already forgotten it – so what good is it to keep reliving it? It only makes us old and sick. Living in the present moment takes that away.

How does living in the present moment take this shit away? It forces us to be mindful of what's going on right now. This isn't a new concept, in fact it's very Buddhist. Meditation helps us experience the Now because we are focused on our breath and our bodies at that moment. We can experience this without meditation, simply by quieting the mind.

Here's some great news and I'm going to shout it – WE HAVE CONTROL OVER OUR MINDS AND WHAT WE THINK!

If you've spent a lifetime (like me) allowing your mind to wander all over the place and listening to the constant chatter, it's earth shattering when you finally figure out that it can be reeled in and controlled. When I learned how to do this, it changed my life.

There are a few ways of turning off that worn old record player in our heads. It may be hard at first because it's a habit. I find it's easy to break a habit when I replace it with another habit. So the next time this happens, create a new habit. Everyone has different ways of doing this. Here are some examples:

Find a trigger sound, something that brings you back to the Now like a horn honking, a passing car, a bird chirping, a cell phone ringing, etc. Make that your own personal alarm clock in your head to "Stop the record player!"

Find a vision trigger, something you might see every day, but at that moment look at it like a sign to stop – like the tops of your hands, a ring on your finger or that bobblehead on your desk – anything in your line of vision that says to you "stop the chatter and be present."

Create a mantra. I love mantras because it's my own thing. String some words together like "I am happy, loving, and creative." Choose your own words. Then put that on the record player instead of the old tired conversation you're re-living.

Meditation helped me a lot. I know meditation is hard for many people. The idea of sitting in silence for any period of time can make a person go crazy. But if you can do it for just a few minutes a day, I found that it's a great tool in training the brain.

When I was commuting every day, I would be gone for 12 hours a day and had absolutely no time for meditation. But meditation only means emptying your mind. I would do it on my way to work – no radio, no audio book just silent driving for 10 or 20 minutes. I still take a few minutes at my desk or on my lunch break to, as the Buddhists say, "think no thoughts." This will help train your brain to be silent.

Pay attention to how you feel. If rehashing the conversation is bringing up feelings of discomfort, rage or whatever, pay attention to the feelings it evokes. You'll usually feel it in your stomach or solar plexus. Be with the feeling and notice it. It will go away guaranteed.

These are just a few things that I learned from Power of Now. It's a huge book and Tolle describes many different ways to be present and why it's so important for our lives and the lives around us. It's not a new concept but if it comes at the right time, it could change your life. And the great thing about time and life is that they're happening right Now!

Introduction: A Grateful Former Employee

Today is the first post for this blog. One part of my brain says "God, do we really need another blog?" The other part of my brains says, "Hell yeah, everybody should blog! There's room for everyone!"

Plus I feel my story and the things I've learned are important to anyone who is working in a hostile work environment, yet feel like they can't leave because of the economy, the job market, or because they just feel like they don't have the skills to leave. Some people hate their jobs but never consider leaving because it's what they know, content to complain and complain and complain.

 In 2000 I started working for a company approximately 50 miles from my home. It was quite a commute especially in L.A. traffic. But it was a good opportunity and the decision felt right. Plus, the building looked like the Emerald Palace with expensive tile and custom sculptures throughout. I never worked in a building quite as snazzy.

I will never say the name of the company because it's not important and you probably never heard of them anyway, even though they believed they were internationally known. In the 12 years I worked there, I only ran into one other person who actually knew of them.

Anyway, it seemed like a great company at first. It was a professional setting and the people seemed genuine and nice. Then one day a co-worker came up to me and said something I'll never forget. He said, "This place is like a beautiful package all wrapped up in shiny paper with a big red bow on top. Then when you open it, all you find is a big pile of shit."

That’s when I knew I was in trouble.

I left two months ago in April, 2012 after 12 years of bullies, gossip, harassment, and negativity. That being said, I am not a disgruntled employee, ready to blast my former company behind the veil of a blog. I am a grateful former employee. I'm grateful that I had 12 years of learning about myself and (hopefully) becoming a better person for it. There were times I failed miserably and made mistakes I wish I could take back. But I did my best and at my darkest moment when I felt I had no recourse, something in me awoke and I began to learn and learn and learn.

And now that I'm three months out of there and working at a great company which I (cautiously) love (still suffering a bit of the PTSD), I feel it's time for me to share some of the things I've learned about working and coping day to day in the worst kind of environment. If you feel like your situation is unique, I've got news for you – it's not. And if I haven't lived it, someone else probably has.

Unlike other career bloggers and writers, I'm not going to tell people to leave their dysfunctional jobs. You've probably heard the rhetoric before. Many self-help gurus and well-off authors will tell you – "Life's too short to be unhappy." "Do what you love." "Find your passion and it won't even feel like a job." That's great if you're a Kardashian or a MegaMillions winner (pardon the oxymoron).

When you're supporting a family, paying bills, trying to save for a weekend trip to somewhere, sacrifices are made and it usually starts with "I need to work." And sometimes it may seem like a small sacrifice. After a while it becomes very easy to go through the 8-hour motions. I made an art of it. Until one day, I woke up.

In this blog I will share with you the tools that saved my life. The books, the audio books (I had a 3-hour daily commute), the movies, the lectures, the quotes (I love quotes), the spirituality connection (from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita) and the ordinary people who, when I paid a little attention, showed themselves to be extraordinary. 

I owe this to you. To all the people who start dreading Monday on Friday. I hope this will help you brave the fire.